Dedicated to No One

I knew I've grown a lot since 2009, the year I started this blog along with my friends. Internet and digital platform were like drugs, that we couldn't put our focus on one thing. Facebook came, Twitter came, but I kept writing while my friends left their blog for years without new post. Along with that, I've made slow but major changes and recorded them here. But one thing I still vaguely know is, why I never leave like my friends did?

Discussing this would not be complete without talking about attachment and my introvert-ness. They probably the reason why I was so into this blog. Years before, I didn't know those two things. Didn't even realize they are the keys to know myself better. I kept focusing on being better and better but not really did a good job in knowing myself. Yes I've made minor progress on how to handle one problem, yes I've changed slightly better than I was before so I'm not really that stupid anymore, but the hell attachment is? What's wrong with this introvert thing?

The progress and changes I mentioned above were the big, exciting things that ever happened in my life. It felt so right to finally knock down the person you've been hated for the entire time. It felt so great to see that you're not going down on the same bullshit and succeeded in not making yourself look stupid. That was a victory moment for me, and it felt so damn right. This is why in recent times I always wrote about that in here. Become better was and still the main goal I pursue.

Last year was the most silent year I've ever been through. There was no achievements at all. Unlike 2017, where ups and downs were literally coming and had a party together, last year was the exact moment to waste my time. If I knew that 2018 would go like that, I'd never want to do that one month one post challenge made by myself. It was literally killing me, forcing myself to "create some valuable contents" to make sure I'm dedicated enough in writing. I thought I'd be go to some kind of adventure, I thought I'd be experiencing a lot of things—good or bad, but no, there was nothing but sleeping all day.

One thing I learned from that year is that, how staying at home the entire weeks and not having real communication with real humans can affect my mental state. I'm not joking nor being too serious. That's just how I feel back then. And I should agreed myself. To make it look less like a problem, I want to give a little thank to that experience in finding myself. Because honestly, it made me realize how am I as a person. Mostly the worst part but that's the most important. I know now that I'm such a moody person; anything that bothers me will bother my work. I know now that I'm such an active and grumpy talker; I talk shit on everything that seems annoying, I talk about the smallest thing that happened to me on that day, I talk on everything. I know now that the fact I'm such a care-person is not because I easily in love with them; I just really want to help so that I know I'm still functioned as a human being. I know now that writing or talking to myself isn't the solution for my contemplating mind; it's just lessen the stress but not solving anything. I know now that journal-ing also not the best therapy for me because it stressed me out even more when I realized that nothing significant happened for a week or month. I know now that I should know myself better and should able to present whoever I become; because no one will ever always be good.

That should be a very long list but point taken. Last year, and most importantly this half year passed, was the only moment I let myself to be observed. This also become a determiner on which kind of attachment I'm in. It's a new theory though but I really into that. The attachment theory defines how you react with your partner, based on how you've been raised when you were little. I don't know exactly which one I am but the theory lead me to the anxious one. With all these kind of thoughts I poured into my writings, I can see how I always make a fighting-scene on my mind. Even worse, how I always overthink when I get interact with people.

Last Friday, I spent my entire afternoon with Tya. We had coffee—she finally had a coffee—and talked for hours. If we were doing this like two or three years ago, I would definitely be stressed out thinking what should I say to her. I would not be able to share my thoughts or even my feelings to her, the one loud and extrovert friend I have. But that day, I had a conversation like a normal person (though we mostly talked about other people). When we got into a train, on the way to meet the others, I complained about the ad design on the train. I talked shit on it and she got annoyed (in funny way). I asked her, "Do you like me now or then?" She said, "Then." Still not sure if it was an honest answer but if it's true, I'll agree with her.

Knowing that I'm such a talker is a fun thing for me. Felt like discovering something new on myself and I can't help to get excited. But compare to the time I kept my mouth shut, this becomes more terrifying. It felt so good at first, until I talked too much on everything that 1) it bothers me and 2) it bothers people around me. Point number two has been described above. Point number one, mostly happened at the time when I realized I talked too much on personal things or I was being unheard. That bother me a lot until now. Imagine, for 22 years I've kept everything for myself alone—safety guaranteed of course—and along with that I've enjoyed being a listener. The good one. And then the new vibes came all of sudden, boom, myself got shocked and thrilled. New toys! yelled me. New things to try, yay. But again, I've been more experienced in keeping my mouth shut. This has been rooted on my body and my mind, and I can't just let anything replace it. Not that I don't want to but it's not that easy.

The anxious attachment—if that's what I really am—has a big role on why sometimes it doesn't feel right to be a talker. Believe me, swallowing every words I'm going to say gives less anxiety than throwing a lot of words for nothing. Since I value the art of listening, it also gets my nerves when people don't listen to me. I thought this one is something that can be adjusted but, no. I want to be listened too just like I listen to y'all stories. And of course I think a lot every time I switched into the talker mode. What did I say? did I say something wrong? did I give too much information about myself? why they don't listen to me? how they gonna tell their friends about me? why it doesn't make me feel relieve after talking that much? Sometimes they just passing by, these questions. But after so many failed encounters which mostly turn me into a stupido, I decided to take a step back. Not a step, but as many steps as I can.

***

I remembered the analogue camera my friends gave me. I've been craving to try that thing before they got me one for my birthday. Super excited, of course, I tried it immediately on campus. Soon after, I realized that operating that thing was not as easy as using DSLR camera. I got clueless, a bit shamed for myself too because I only talked shit but didn't know anything much about it, so I left it on my desk for years. Untouched. Didn't dare to develop it nor knowing where to develop the film.

I knew there was something wrong between me and that camera. Not the way I used it but the way I got it. I knew I wanted to have one and tried it, but the time was not just right. To be honest I didn't expect to get that camera as a present, really, I was hoping it for something else. Was I happy? Of course. Was I accept it despite the lack of knowledge I had? Absolutely. But it was too sudden and unexpected for me. Too sudden that I couldn't control my excitement. Too sudden that I wasn't feel quite ready to practice using it. And it was just like me become a talker after years of silence; too sudden for me to handle.

Although by being a talker help me to know myself better, it still doesn't feel right. Although by being a talker help me to stop repressing my feelings, it still doesn't feel right. It will never feel right because I still have that major part of myself who has been best-friended with silence for two decades. I am more familiar with the peaceful time of not having to think what other people think of me. And it grows so strong, so strong that it got disturbed by my expressive side.

Despite all of that inner fights between me and me, I don't regret it. I don't regret knowing myself better or even becoming an active human being. I just think that it's the right time to step back and see what makes me feel comfortable the most. I need an extend time to observe myself more after experiencing those two different vibes. And, knowing that this self-discovery involves some certain people, I don't mind if I have to keep a long distant with them, temporary or permanently. I don't mind if I have to stop talking and going back to my old self which I love the most. Besides, few people I know are the reason for my anxiety to come up, so yes I don't mind at all. I don't mind too if I have to stop writing on this blog, which is I'm doing it right now. It's been ten years and I think I finally have the courage to leave this blog, just like what my friends did back then. Shit-posting won't eliminate my problems nor making myself better, if that what I really looking for. So I think it's time for me to know more about myself, know what I want and what I don't want, and be firmly accept it as my personality. And most importantly, it's time to be more open with those whom I truly believe, those who always try to listen, and those whom I know for long enough to be someone(s) I care.


Well, for the last time—Adios.