March's Lesson: Preparing Myself for the Worst

Disclaimer: this is not a shitpost, I'm writing in a normal, conscious state with a glass of iced-coffee and not being affected by any kind of syndrome. I can guarantee you will not read a garbage-talk again like before.

So, yeah, preparing myself for the worst at any kind of things. Let's start from the fact that I've been doing this unemployment state (which a few weeks ago was kinda hit me right in the face) and wondering why I haven't got any proper jobs yet. Of course I've applied like more than ten jobs in those job-seeking-websites and I've got rejected as well in some companies and the rests are not giving me any further information, which I hate the most. You know, digantungin is sucks even when it's about something related to your professional experience. I mean, we are all demanding two answers: yes or no. If it's a yes then we'd be grateful and happy. If it's a no then we'd end up being sad but that'd be much better than having no answer, right? Yes, yes, we'll get into that--it's like waiting for your crush to answer your proposal to be her girlfriend. Digantungin is never really a good option, experience says (hahaha).

But that's that, I mean, for me digantungin by the companies you've wanted to get a job from is the worst thing that I've got so far. Because when I digantungin, I didn't know what I have to changed or fixed so that I can get into that fields. Back to that topic, if you are being rejected by her, there must be a reason why (although in so many cases they don't give you the reason) and that reason, for example you're not rich enough for her, will make you try to be that rich guy to impressed her. Or at least to impressed another girl which later will make that first girl jealous and feel regret. Ha! But my point is that: in getting the worst case, I have to prepare myself. And I did. Well, yeah there was time I felt like shit and told Andi that I'm confused with this whole seeking-job situation. And she was kinda understand since she also felt that last year. After that I tried to get myself together and try to just calm a little bit and also don't try too hard because, you know, if it turns bad I'd be very devastated. So from then on I started to just be cool and relax and not think it too much.

I've actually had another issue and it's pretty much related with how am I going to prepare myself for the worst but, well, I'm not sure if I can write it subtly without giving too much information. Okay, let's try. The next thing that I'm going to be prepared for is, the fact that I cannot always get something that I really want. It's been buzzing on my head last night and this morning I came up with the conclusion that: it's not that I don't know how to get what I want but it's the fact that I don't want to give so much effort for something that seems very absurd for me. Confuse? No? Okay, it's pretty simple actually. It's like I want to have a white tiger as a pet, I know how to get it (maybe give a call to one of white tiger's conservation in Indonesia and tell them I wanna pet one of that pretty animal and send them a proposal of why I want a white tiger instead of a black panther), but at the end, it's just an absurd idea that is not worth my effort. It is quite simple, right?

But the fact is still there, I still want a white tiger. And the second fact that I don't want to put some actions to get that (because I still think it's very absurd) is unable to avoid me for getting the worst situation. I know I sounded like a young, unstable teenager who goes around and says "I want a perfect score for my math exam but I don't want to be bothered to study tonight" and then when I get the result I cry so hard because I get the worst score in the class. See, that's the thing that I'm trying to prepare for myself, because first, if and if only I don't get what I want  because I don't put any effort to get that, I would be very ashamed and regretful and start to blame myself as usual. And it's not good of course. The second is, if and if only I don't get what I want after I've put a lot of effort for that, I would be very ashamed because I'm being too much and still don't get what I want, but the good thing is I'm not gonna be regretful at all (maybe).

You see, for this case it's a bit different with the job-seeking situation. To be honest when I wrote it, I can only think about the very worst case (not getting what I want) because like what I've said, it's a very absurd thing for me. And since I feel weird about that, I don't really think that I desperately need it as much as I desperately need a job. But I still want it sometimes despite the strange feelings of me thinking about wanting it. Got the point? Good.

I know it's pretty much complicated and weird to think of but yeah, in this kind of state I can fulfill my brain with some positive thoughts including preparing myself for the worst. I know at some point I will have mental breakdown and suddenly these thoughts will just *poof* disappeared, but I have to commit to myself for these things. Especially the last issue. I have to be very, very, very prepared for the worst. I may have to practice my ignorant-self again so I can get through that easily. Or maybe just as simple as remind myself that if the Universe doesn't allow me to have that, well probably it's not really good for me. Ah, that thought must be very sucks when the time comes for it to hit me. Hopefully I'll be healthy enough to face that. Okay.