My Friend Told Me that I Was Too in Love with My Loneliness

I was feeling uneasy for the past couple weeks. I went out when I had a chance to, and refused to be at home before eleven pm. When I stayed home, I slept a lot and do almost nothing. I skipped my meal a few times, drank coffee frequently, stayed awake until midnight, and abandoned my assignments (including my thesis). I had a terrible phase at that time and it all only because one shitty word called: love.

I'm not gonna give some details, believe me, even if I want to, I don't know how to write it. I was just having a terrible day and the more I think about it, the more I believe that this was all my fault. From the very first time, this girl has become a fool. A moron. An idiot. I couldn't find any bad language to curse myself. The point is, it was all my fault.

I talked to some friends after that, but not exactly after the thing happened. I talked to Andi one night, not intended to tell her though but the time was just right. I realized something about Andi that night: she could give me a very good response only via chat. Hahaha. This is true and I just knew it. As a good friend, she told me what I don't want to hear: that I'm a denial. I know it would be hard for me to take that words but because she said that, I felt like I got a good slap in the face (man, is that even a right metaphor?). We discussed some other things after that, cursing at each other as usual but I get the point. And I feel a bit relieved after that night-conversation. 

Last Saturday, I went to campus and my friends finally had a chance to hear me pouring out my feelings after three years knowing each other, I never tell them anything that happened in my life. I skipped some details because I couldn't arrange my story orderly. I told them everything I wanted to say, cursed at some parts of the story, and then as her response, Tya said this directly, "Del, you're too in love with your loneliness." I heard pity in her voice and it hit me pretty hard. I never think about that word, actually I almost forgot that the word still exists. Loneliness; lonely; alone. It's like hearing an old friend's name—strange but familiar as well.

When she said that after my explanation about relationship, I agreed. I didn't deny it. I matched it with my point; why I don't (or hate to) put label on something such as relationship >> because I don't wanna be tied in that shit, I don't wanna be controlled by the status that in the future will force me to do what I don't want to. This makes me think differently about relationship, that we don't have to put label on it as long as we both know our feelings, then it is fine. We can be free to do what we want without the status, right?

"Del, you're too in love with your loneliness."

I dare to say that because I've been enjoying myself surrounded with no one. I got used to do things on my own, to take care of things with myself because somehow it is my responsibility. I always have time for myself and I don't want to share it with someone (excluding friends and family). I don't like showing my affection to people (I have a particular way to do that), even my friends said that I'm a heartless bitch. I'm not used to get an affection either because it feels strange. And the more I think about feelings, emotions, or affections from 'someone special', the more I believe that it all will be gone someday because people changed. So, I thought, why do we have to spend our time on something that soon can change? Specifically: why do we have to spend our time, putting a label on something that highly possible to change someday? On something that remain uncertain like, relationship?

And once again, my friend was right, I was too in love with my loneliness.

The thing that I've done to make it worse is that, I slowly put my feelings into what I believe and deny that feelings at the same time. I know I don't want to be in a relationship, but I also consciously know that I have feelings for that someone, and I got angry when my feelings got rejected. I put away the last two statements because shamefully, like what Andi said, I was a denial. I kept pushing my perspective into a person who don't share the same perspective, while forgetting the reality that is very possible to happen. That's why I'm telling myself that I'm a fool; if I don't want a relationship, then why should I be angry when that person has chose another person to be in his life? Yes, the answer is because I did put my feelings from the very start and ignored it.

When I wrote this, I thought, wow, why is love so complicated? But then I realized I was the one who make it complicated. I think too much even for the simplest thing. I also regret many things that I've said, that I wish I didn't say. I now know that I wasn't mature enough to solve this problem. I was the one who run away from the situation because I don't like being trapped in a serious conversation that needs a lot of energy. I abandoned things that should've been talked properly, openly, and honestly, because I was a selfish bitch who don't want to bother myself with too many problems. It's funny how I thought I did a good job for letting someone be free when the fact is not. I've made them suffered with my ideology, and so goodbye is the final word to let them free.

Now I believe that sooner or later things will be better again. I feel much better now actually, after having a conversation with my friends. Talking is so relieving, obviously. Although I know I still have something to say to make the situation clearer—because I can swallow my pride right now and do something like: saying sorry and chasing that person once more. It sounds dramatic (and stupid) actually but, I need to clear my mind first. I may feel better but I still don't know what I really want right now. I can't just say that I'm okay with relationship now because, I'm afraid that I'm still the same loner who really loves to be alone. There's a lot more important things that I should put first before I deal with myself about my feelings. But sooner or later, when I have done with my 'redemption-phase', I may make a phone call one day, say hi, say sorry, and try to explain things I cannot say before. I'm gonna put aside my emotion, talk properly, and try to be honest to that person—and to myself.