22:52, I still cannot let myself be open to others.

I'm not having a shitty day but I just wanted to talk. Or chat. Or maybe have someone tell their stories to me. I tried to make myself useful by posting a blogpost but hey, just so you guys know, this is my third draft. Unfortunately, I still don't know what I really want to talk/write about. Even right now I feel so emotionless. I'm not mad, I'm not sad, nor being so joyful or excited. But I really really really really really really really really really really wanna have a conversation.

Guess what? This idea just popped up in my head: maybe this is a reminder for me for not being able to be with my friends when they needed me. Maybe one or two or most of the time I ignored my friends when they wanted to talk with me. Maybe I was too busy to care about my friends, to ask them how they are doing and what's going on with their life.

For one reason only, and I think it's a quite logical reason, I won't stop doing that.

The reason is basically come from myself: I can endure this thing all by myself, so why they cannot?

Revised: I cannot endure this thing all by myself but hey, I'm writing this post so you guys can read it. So you can actually feel what I feel right now. Now tell me, after you read this post, don't you think I'm being too much? Don't you think I'm being too needy? Don't you think that I'm on my PMSyndrome right now? Don't you think that it is unnecessary to write this shit down because I'm just calling for attention? Don't you think like that? Don't you think that I was brave enough to let all my emotions out through this post? Don't you think I'm thinking too much by saying 'don't you think' for eight times?

This is what I feel for the last two hours. I tried to chat a friend but ended up ignore it because suddenly I feel hesitate and not sure whether I should continue the chat or not. This hesitation or doubt makes me think that I'm not suppossed to rely on someone just because of this matter. It prevents me to have a further conversation because I become scared that the conversation will go dry (?) and I won't get what I need. I was scared that when I started to let these emotions and everything on my mind, the 'don't you think' will come across and make me feel like a crap. I was scared that people are already busy enough with their lives and they don't need to be burdened with my chat. I better not wasting someone else's time and try to do the best thing I can do: repress it. And if I'm not strong enough, then I'll just write down a post on my blog, doing a very impulsive writing without minding the grammar (since it's more comfortable babbling in English). I just realized that I'm not write this post properly and I need to take a lot of time before I decided to post it.

Well, this post is a mess. And I feel ashamed of that. Now I'm just going to watch some korean dramas and pretend that I've never write this shit.