Too Many Fucks Given

Let me tell you something;

friendship sucks. Relationship sucks.

And fuck, I don't know why I feel like to write this.
Well, okay, let's be honest. I might have entering that phase called PMS. But as far as I know, it's still too far but again, let's just make it as the only reason so we don't have to blame myself. If you want to, blame it on my hormones. Back again. I don't know why I can easily say that for the past couple hours. Okay, a little information, I'm watching Love, Rosie right now and still don't think it's much better than One Day. Like, come on... One Day is my heartbreak movie although I'm not crying anymore. As time flies I realized I've become sort of "bucin" hiding in that term called friendship. I just realized how fucked up both of those things. Like, if you are having a friendship with that guy you believe you will always trust and you know, put your head on his shoulder, and in addition you put just a little feelings on that friendship, well, congratulations. You are officially a fucked up human.

But you know, I ironically have to say that--oh, man, this is gonna be sound so disgusting but, I kinda lost that feelings. I mean, the feeling of being angry and mad and sad at the same time after you find out that the friendship thing and the bucin thing are never gonna work so well. It was happened to me and as a result I got so mad like I can throw anything in front of me to strangers. Not so long after that, it's like, I happened to be emotionless. When things have been officially over and I decided to never let any of my words came out, it just felt like, ya udahlah. Well I mean it is a good thing, of course, to finally let go of things that has been bothering you for half year. But here I try to remember it all and I was like, wow, I cannot describe anything about myself. I mean, I don't know exactly how I feel right now, especially at the edge of my 22 years old. I'm not feeling empty, I'm not so happy as a kid, I'm not sad like I could cry things like that. It's just--I don't know. I really don't know.

I started to think that I might have become too numb, that I can't put any emotion to myself. Well I can get flattered over little things that people did to me, I can also get mad over little things that people said to me. But it's just for awhile. Damn, I know this is supposed to be good but at this time I feel like that is wrong. And at the end, all of these things just lead me to loneliness. Ah, fuck that. I thought I've already get over it but it still haunt me. You know, this is a complete and absolute irony since I started this with "fuck relationship" and ended it with "I'm so lonely". Like, what the hell do you want, Del?

Maybe I just think that all that friendship or relationship or any other kind of -ship with humans are actually so damn good for your health. Well, not really--shit, Del, what if they through an abusive relationship? Is it still healthy? Of course not, I mean, ya you know, the usual menu of relationship. You fall in love, become the silliest and stupidest person in the universe, cry, get jealous and then cry even harder, get back together, happy again until you start to think that she/he is the one you will marry, fight over silly thing just after you think you will marry her/him, break up, sad, stalk the social media, cry, mad, watch comedy movies but cry again because you watched it with her/him, you become hopeless and right at the end of your hopeless phase, you find another person and you start the circle again. And I think it is so fun to feel all that shit, you know. The ordinary relationship that you think is the most extraordinary in the world.

Found on Pinterest. Couldn't agree more. Love and Death (1975)

Oh, what about friendship? To be honest I don't really know much although I used had one that ended up so cold, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I think when it comes about friendship there's a lot more "fun" on it. Everything I've said before, is being done secretly. Yeah hahaha you know that crap. You secretly love her/him, you secretly admire her/him, you secretly being jealous over her/him, you secretly--and so on. I honestly have to hold my disgust when I wrote it because it's automatically remember those days, but I think I'm allowed to do that right now because I want to feel something. By remembering it, I can recall all of that emotions I felt back then, like, six or seven months ago. But you know, I'm not gonna stuck on it and let myself drown into the nostalgic vibes. Like what I've said before, it's just for awhile. Tomorrow morning (it's already morning actually) I possibly have forgot it and you know, do what I have to do until my mind starts think about all of this shit again and put it on repeat mode.