Udah Ya

Mari kita selesaikan ini supaya gue bisa hidup dengan sedikit lebih tenang.

So, this month is about to ended real soon and I'm here, dedicating my time to write something as a fulfillment of my "one post a month" project--which I made by myself--which made me kind of burdened a little but that's okay. Remember, "nasi sudah menjadi bubur, sekarang tinggal gimana caranya bikin bubur yang enak" (Andi, 2018).

I have three main points for today's post and I'm gonna try to make it real short and real quick because I'm not in the mood writing blatantly emotional. I've got a pretty bad vibes since morning that made me go back to sleep and woke up at 10. My face looks horrible and my chest feels not right. What a morning.

Okay. First thing first, I have this feeling that social media has really affected my emotion for the past few months. Not few months, I mean for like this whole year. I don't know, I've been very active on Twitter from the last couple years but this year, there was like a lot of things going on there. I don't know how to explain this but the information I've got from it is super massive and super accurate. This could be good tho, I know it was hella good. But I don't know when it started, the mental illness thing has become something real serious and people always talked about it. Awalnya gue ngerasa agak terganggu karena orang pertama yang sering gue liat membagikan informasi soal ginian adalah orang yang gue tau punya masalah anxiety waktu SMA. And she got into psychology department so, yeah, I was annoyed because I thought she was trying to make herself feel better by spreading this kind of information--that people must aware about mental illness because she has it and therefore we all must aware with her condition. 

Yes, it annoys me.

Until I found myself retweet-ing many of tweets related to my lowest condition; anxiety, frustration, and loneliness. Gue juga nggak tau kenapa tiba-tiba jadi merasa relate dengan segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan kondisi mental gue. To be honest, it was never really bothered me before, like, okay, I know I'm having these thoughts but okay, let's move on and do something else. Tapi ketika Twitter mulai rame dan akun-akun pribadi yang gue follow mulai bermunculan dengan retweet-an mereka tentang mental condition, I felt even more relate. You know what I mean, right? The (online) environment has made me feels like "oh it's okay for me to feel lonely, it's okay to feel depressed and express it because they are like that too".

But I feel like it was totally wrong, especially for this person who has been repressed every single obstacles she has.

Mungkin itu yang bikin gue ngerasa makin lama makin nggak nyaman dengan berlimpahnya twit-twit tentang mental illness, meskipun awalnya gue kayak seneng gitu ngeliat banyak orang yang ngerasain hal yang sama kayak gue. But I'm not saying these people are wrong too. For many people out there, expressing their feelings or emotions or whatever they think can bother their mind, is such a way to cure it at least for awhile. I don't know, we are all very different in facing problems like this. I have no right to say anything about this but the point I want to make is: social media is absolutely can make you feel either high or low. Depends on how you manage it.

Let's jump to the next one because I feel like talking too much. Okay, this year, I have to say, is a very long year for me. It's mostly because I've wasted this year for almost doing nothing but sleep. I do finish my thesis but still, the target has been missed so I have to wait until next year. There's not much achievements for this year--in fact, there is no achievements at all. It's kinda sad for me when I look back at this year and how I've missed my precious time for nothing. But, you know, back to my friend's quotes: "nasi sudah menjadi bubur, sekarang tinggal gimana caranya bikin bubur yang enak" (Andi, 2018). I know this is all my fault so let me swallow it slowly while I'm planning on what to do to make it up.

Okay, the last point--which I forgot now hahaha. Oh, oke, gue inget lagi. By the time I started write this post, I've been considering to stop writing for awhile. I mean like writing for blog or short stories. It's kinda bothering me for quite sometimes because outside the work of writing, I'm lacking at managing time and being discipline with deadlines. These two I believe are the things I have to fix first before I dive back into writing. I guess it's also important for me since my daily habit is such a mess now.  Well, let's see if I can fix it or not. No, I mean, let me see if I can fix it or not.

Sesuai janji gue, I'm making this post as short as possible. So, adios, bitches.