Dedicated to No One

I knew I've grown a lot since 2009, the year I started this blog along with my friends. Internet and digital platform were like drugs, that we couldn't put our focus on one thing. Facebook came, Twitter came, but I kept writing while my friends left their blog for years without new post. Along with that, I've made slow but major changes and recorded them here. But one thing I still vaguely know is, why I never leave like my friends did?

Discussing this would not be complete without talking about attachment and my introvert-ness. They probably the reason why I was so into this blog. Years before, I didn't know those two things. Didn't even realize they are the keys to know myself better. I kept focusing on being better and better but not really did a good job in knowing myself. Yes I've made minor progress on how to handle one problem, yes I've changed slightly better than I was before so I'm not really that stupid anymore, but the hell attachment is? What's wrong with this introvert thing?

The progress and changes I mentioned above were the big, exciting things that ever happened in my life. It felt so right to finally knock down the person you've been hated for the entire time. It felt so great to see that you're not going down on the same bullshit and succeeded in not making yourself look stupid. That was a victory moment for me, and it felt so damn right. This is why in recent times I always wrote about that in here. Become better was and still the main goal I pursue.

Last year was the most silent year I've ever been through. There was no achievements at all. Unlike 2017, where ups and downs were literally coming and had a party together, last year was the exact moment to waste my time. If I knew that 2018 would go like that, I'd never want to do that one month one post challenge made by myself. It was literally killing me, forcing myself to "create some valuable contents" to make sure I'm dedicated enough in writing. I thought I'd be go to some kind of adventure, I thought I'd be experiencing a lot of things—good or bad, but no, there was nothing but sleeping all day.

One thing I learned from that year is that, how staying at home the entire weeks and not having real communication with real humans can affect my mental state. I'm not joking nor being too serious. That's just how I feel back then. And I should agreed myself. To make it look less like a problem, I want to give a little thank to that experience in finding myself. Because honestly, it made me realize how am I as a person. Mostly the worst part but that's the most important. I know now that I'm such a moody person; anything that bothers me will bother my work. I know now that I'm such an active and grumpy talker; I talk shit on everything that seems annoying, I talk about the smallest thing that happened to me on that day, I talk on everything. I know now that the fact I'm such a care-person is not because I easily in love with them; I just really want to help so that I know I'm still functioned as a human being. I know now that writing or talking to myself isn't the solution for my contemplating mind; it's just lessen the stress but not solving anything. I know now that journal-ing also not the best therapy for me because it stressed me out even more when I realized that nothing significant happened for a week or month. I know now that I should know myself better and should able to present whoever I become; because no one will ever always be good.

That should be a very long list but point taken. Last year, and most importantly this half year passed, was the only moment I let myself to be observed. This also become a determiner on which kind of attachment I'm in. It's a new theory though but I really into that. The attachment theory defines how you react with your partner, based on how you've been raised when you were little. I don't know exactly which one I am but the theory lead me to the anxious one. With all these kind of thoughts I poured into my writings, I can see how I always make a fighting-scene on my mind. Even worse, how I always overthink when I get interact with people.

Last Friday, I spent my entire afternoon with Tya. We had coffee—she finally had a coffee—and talked for hours. If we were doing this like two or three years ago, I would definitely be stressed out thinking what should I say to her. I would not be able to share my thoughts or even my feelings to her, the one loud and extrovert friend I have. But that day, I had a conversation like a normal person (though we mostly talked about other people). When we got into a train, on the way to meet the others, I complained about the ad design on the train. I talked shit on it and she got annoyed (in funny way). I asked her, "Do you like me now or then?" She said, "Then." Still not sure if it was an honest answer but if it's true, I'll agree with her.

Knowing that I'm such a talker is a fun thing for me. Felt like discovering something new on myself and I can't help to get excited. But compare to the time I kept my mouth shut, this becomes more terrifying. It felt so good at first, until I talked too much on everything that 1) it bothers me and 2) it bothers people around me. Point number two has been described above. Point number one, mostly happened at the time when I realized I talked too much on personal things or I was being unheard. That bother me a lot until now. Imagine, for 22 years I've kept everything for myself alone—safety guaranteed of course—and along with that I've enjoyed being a listener. The good one. And then the new vibes came all of sudden, boom, myself got shocked and thrilled. New toys! yelled me. New things to try, yay. But again, I've been more experienced in keeping my mouth shut. This has been rooted on my body and my mind, and I can't just let anything replace it. Not that I don't want to but it's not that easy.

The anxious attachment—if that's what I really am—has a big role on why sometimes it doesn't feel right to be a talker. Believe me, swallowing every words I'm going to say gives less anxiety than throwing a lot of words for nothing. Since I value the art of listening, it also gets my nerves when people don't listen to me. I thought this one is something that can be adjusted but, no. I want to be listened too just like I listen to y'all stories. And of course I think a lot every time I switched into the talker mode. What did I say? did I say something wrong? did I give too much information about myself? why they don't listen to me? how they gonna tell their friends about me? why it doesn't make me feel relieve after talking that much? Sometimes they just passing by, these questions. But after so many failed encounters which mostly turn me into a stupido, I decided to take a step back. Not a step, but as many steps as I can.

***

I remembered the analogue camera my friends gave me. I've been craving to try that thing before they got me one for my birthday. Super excited, of course, I tried it immediately on campus. Soon after, I realized that operating that thing was not as easy as using DSLR camera. I got clueless, a bit shamed for myself too because I only talked shit but didn't know anything much about it, so I left it on my desk for years. Untouched. Didn't dare to develop it nor knowing where to develop the film.

I knew there was something wrong between me and that camera. Not the way I used it but the way I got it. I knew I wanted to have one and tried it, but the time was not just right. To be honest I didn't expect to get that camera as a present, really, I was hoping it for something else. Was I happy? Of course. Was I accept it despite the lack of knowledge I had? Absolutely. But it was too sudden and unexpected for me. Too sudden that I couldn't control my excitement. Too sudden that I wasn't feel quite ready to practice using it. And it was just like me become a talker after years of silence; too sudden for me to handle.

Although by being a talker help me to know myself better, it still doesn't feel right. Although by being a talker help me to stop repressing my feelings, it still doesn't feel right. It will never feel right because I still have that major part of myself who has been best-friended with silence for two decades. I am more familiar with the peaceful time of not having to think what other people think of me. And it grows so strong, so strong that it got disturbed by my expressive side.

Despite all of that inner fights between me and me, I don't regret it. I don't regret knowing myself better or even becoming an active human being. I just think that it's the right time to step back and see what makes me feel comfortable the most. I need an extend time to observe myself more after experiencing those two different vibes. And, knowing that this self-discovery involves some certain people, I don't mind if I have to keep a long distant with them, temporary or permanently. I don't mind if I have to stop talking and going back to my old self which I love the most. Besides, few people I know are the reason for my anxiety to come up, so yes I don't mind at all. I don't mind too if I have to stop writing on this blog, which is I'm doing it right now. It's been ten years and I think I finally have the courage to leave this blog, just like what my friends did back then. Shit-posting won't eliminate my problems nor making myself better, if that what I really looking for. So I think it's time for me to know more about myself, know what I want and what I don't want, and be firmly accept it as my personality. And most importantly, it's time to be more open with those whom I truly believe, those who always try to listen, and those whom I know for long enough to be someone(s) I care.


Well, for the last time—Adios.

Ngomongin Film: Comet

Oke, judulnya Comet (2014). Protagonis kita, Dell, adalah seorang cynical yang sebenarnya dari awal udah terlihat kalau dia nggak percaya sama cinta. Sementara Kimberly, adalah seorang--I quoted--a quick-witted person yang seperti perempuan pada umumnya, selalu ingin kepastian.

At least that's what I get from my fifth or sixth watch. Awalnya gue suka film ini karena tone warna yang dipakai dan selalu berubah-ubah sesuai kondisi dua orang ini. A pinkish when they first met, blue when they had their first big fight, a warm yellow when they met again after a long time. Gue pun baru menyadari perubahan warna setelah nonton yang keempat kalinya. Ditambah juga waktu itu skripsi gue tentang warna juga jadi yaudah, sekalian bikin analisis aja. Dan makes sense kok. Gue juga masih belum paham betul ya gimana warna dalam film bisa bekerja ke psikologi penonton. Menurut gue itu cuma sekadar elemen pendukung yang works banget buat ngebangun perasaan penonton. Well, setidaknya itu yang gue rasakan tiap nonton film yang warna-warnanya menonjol banget.

Selain warna, gue juga suka sama pengambilan gambarnya yang agak-agak seperti Wes Anderson. Gue nggak terlalu minat ngeluangin waktu untuk browsing sutradaranya jadi ya gue nggak akan bilang ini termasuk director's style. Tapi sama kayak warna tadi, gambar-gambar di film ini jadi bikin ceritanya lebih dramatis sepertinya. Mungkin kalau gambarnya biasa aja, atau warnanya juga standar film pada umumnya, penonton tetep bisa ambil kesimpulan dari setiap adegan yang dikasih. Cuma buat gue yang suka banget hal-hal berbau visual, ini jadi elemen yang ngena banget dan ngebantu untuk gue lebih into sama ceritanya.







Itu soal teknis. Dari segi cerita, gue suka plotnya yang loncat-loncat, persis film 500 Days of Summer tapi nggak seribet itu. Kalau kalian pinter dan nggak kayak gue yang baru ngeh sama urutan plot aslinya setelah nonton kedua kali, bisa langsung ketebak kok bagian-bagiannya. Dan sekali lagi, this is my personal interest too. Gue suka film yang plotnya berantakan kayak dua film itu dan Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Mungkin karena ceritanya juga bisa didukung dengan plot yang loncat-loncat itu, karena semua film yang gue sebut tadi ceritanya tentang pasangan yang ketemu, putus, kemudian ketemu lagi untuk resolve hubungan mereka.

Oke, gue mencoba untuk nggak menggebu-gebu ketika nulis ini hahaha.

Oh, gue baru inget. Di YouTube ada yang ngebahas soal doomed romance (<< it's clickable). Mereka pake contoh filmnya 500 Days of Summer. Intinya, cerita romance yang as we know bittersweet, or not having the girl and the boy together and lived happily itu sebetulnya bermaksud untuk ngebangun karakter si protagonis. "The doomed relationship represents a different type of goal that the characters are trying to attain. A goal they didn't even know they were headed for. Perhaps not the goal they would have wanted but the one they needed. A lesson ... for an important internal discovery, their own personal growth." You can see how they discussed Tom's character in 500 Days of Summer, but here, let me talk about what I see from Dell's character.

The cynical Dell has struggle to believe that relationship does work. And then he meets Kim and he falls in love and wants to be in a relationship with her. This is sound confusing for me up until now because Dell says he always anxious about what happens five minutes from now. He can't get rid those negativity he has until he met Kim, who's in Dell's eyes, seems to be able to understand and accept all of his flaws. But then their biggest fight come in and we get to know that Dell still can't believe with love. "Of course I love you," said Dell as he kneed down in front of the bathroom door, Kim was in there. He held the ring, ready to propose until Kim said--what then feels like the truth, "It never sounds real when you say it."

Ah, shit, this movie is so hard to be analyzed but I love it so much. Oke, sorry, gue udah janji untuk nggak menggebu-gebu. Oke. Gue agak bingung juga gimana jelasinnya karena plotnya kan loncat-loncat, kalau gue ceritain in chronological order jadi aneh. Oke, intinya adalah balik lagi ke karakter si Dell setelahnya. Bagaimana dia insist untuk balikan sama Kim, and succeeds, lalu putus lagi tapi kali ini dia sendiri yang mutusin. After all that shit, Dell cuma pengen membuktikan bahwa apa yang ia percaya, apa yang ia takutkan about relationship, ternyata bener. He just wanted to make sure his fear over commitment because it can hurt him, is obviously true.

But then we see him at the end of this parallel universe, meeting Kim again after a long time, by the urge of his dreams. The dreams that somehow we see as a complete movie. The dreams that at the end is just a parallel universe that only Dell can live in karena dia masih yakin kalau semua yang dia lakuin ini pasti bener, termasuk usaha terakhir untuk ngedapetin Kim lagi. Dan ternyata the reality hits him and he doesn't even know it's coming. Ternyata Dell nggak selalu benar. Dia mungkin pintar, dia mungkin benar, tapi selama ini dia menghilangkan kesempatan yang ada. Ketika dia mulai yakin bahwa "oh this is love, I can't live without it, I can't live without Kim"... duar. It's too late.

Ini gue nulis atau ngaca ya hahahahaha hahaha haha ha hhhhh...

Ending-nya tentu saja ngegantung dan terbuka banget. Dan menurut gue (yang by the time writing this post udah nonton tujuh kali) ini semua cuma mimpinya Dell dan di akhir film kita kayak ikutan kebangun dari mimpinya. The whole movie is trying to perceive how the character develops. We get to know his belief, we get to know how he maintain his belief in a relationship and conflict, and we get to know how his belief changes. Menurut gue film ini berhasil membawa topik doomed romance tadi karena di akhir gue bisa lihat ada pelajaran untuk si protagonis, sesuatu yang sebenernya nggak diharapkan tapi jelas dia butuh. Ada kepercayaan yang akhirnya dia patahkan sendiri berkat pengalaman atau perjalanan yang selama ini dia jalani. With the relationship with Kim, he finds himself wrong at the end as he finds himself that he believes in love.

March's Lesson: Preparing Myself for the Worst

Disclaimer: this is not a shitpost, I'm writing in a normal, conscious state with a glass of iced-coffee and not being affected by any kind of syndrome. I can guarantee you will not read a garbage-talk again like before.

So, yeah, preparing myself for the worst at any kind of things. Let's start from the fact that I've been doing this unemployment state (which a few weeks ago was kinda hit me right in the face) and wondering why I haven't got any proper jobs yet. Of course I've applied like more than ten jobs in those job-seeking-websites and I've got rejected as well in some companies and the rests are not giving me any further information, which I hate the most. You know, digantungin is sucks even when it's about something related to your professional experience. I mean, we are all demanding two answers: yes or no. If it's a yes then we'd be grateful and happy. If it's a no then we'd end up being sad but that'd be much better than having no answer, right? Yes, yes, we'll get into that--it's like waiting for your crush to answer your proposal to be her girlfriend. Digantungin is never really a good option, experience says (hahaha).

But that's that, I mean, for me digantungin by the companies you've wanted to get a job from is the worst thing that I've got so far. Because when I digantungin, I didn't know what I have to changed or fixed so that I can get into that fields. Back to that topic, if you are being rejected by her, there must be a reason why (although in so many cases they don't give you the reason) and that reason, for example you're not rich enough for her, will make you try to be that rich guy to impressed her. Or at least to impressed another girl which later will make that first girl jealous and feel regret. Ha! But my point is that: in getting the worst case, I have to prepare myself. And I did. Well, yeah there was time I felt like shit and told Andi that I'm confused with this whole seeking-job situation. And she was kinda understand since she also felt that last year. After that I tried to get myself together and try to just calm a little bit and also don't try too hard because, you know, if it turns bad I'd be very devastated. So from then on I started to just be cool and relax and not think it too much.

I've actually had another issue and it's pretty much related with how am I going to prepare myself for the worst but, well, I'm not sure if I can write it subtly without giving too much information. Okay, let's try. The next thing that I'm going to be prepared for is, the fact that I cannot always get something that I really want. It's been buzzing on my head last night and this morning I came up with the conclusion that: it's not that I don't know how to get what I want but it's the fact that I don't want to give so much effort for something that seems very absurd for me. Confuse? No? Okay, it's pretty simple actually. It's like I want to have a white tiger as a pet, I know how to get it (maybe give a call to one of white tiger's conservation in Indonesia and tell them I wanna pet one of that pretty animal and send them a proposal of why I want a white tiger instead of a black panther), but at the end, it's just an absurd idea that is not worth my effort. It is quite simple, right?

But the fact is still there, I still want a white tiger. And the second fact that I don't want to put some actions to get that (because I still think it's very absurd) is unable to avoid me for getting the worst situation. I know I sounded like a young, unstable teenager who goes around and says "I want a perfect score for my math exam but I don't want to be bothered to study tonight" and then when I get the result I cry so hard because I get the worst score in the class. See, that's the thing that I'm trying to prepare for myself, because first, if and if only I don't get what I want  because I don't put any effort to get that, I would be very ashamed and regretful and start to blame myself as usual. And it's not good of course. The second is, if and if only I don't get what I want after I've put a lot of effort for that, I would be very ashamed because I'm being too much and still don't get what I want, but the good thing is I'm not gonna be regretful at all (maybe).

You see, for this case it's a bit different with the job-seeking situation. To be honest when I wrote it, I can only think about the very worst case (not getting what I want) because like what I've said, it's a very absurd thing for me. And since I feel weird about that, I don't really think that I desperately need it as much as I desperately need a job. But I still want it sometimes despite the strange feelings of me thinking about wanting it. Got the point? Good.

I know it's pretty much complicated and weird to think of but yeah, in this kind of state I can fulfill my brain with some positive thoughts including preparing myself for the worst. I know at some point I will have mental breakdown and suddenly these thoughts will just *poof* disappeared, but I have to commit to myself for these things. Especially the last issue. I have to be very, very, very prepared for the worst. I may have to practice my ignorant-self again so I can get through that easily. Or maybe just as simple as remind myself that if the Universe doesn't allow me to have that, well probably it's not really good for me. Ah, that thought must be very sucks when the time comes for it to hit me. Hopefully I'll be healthy enough to face that. Okay.